Catching Elephant is a theme by Andy Taylor
my little sister gave this to me on 12/25/2011. to me it means STAY. go past crazy. let them all laugh at you. but STAY. always STAY.
how i got half down: listened to American Aquarium ‘Coffee&Cigarettes’,looked at a picture of a Man i haven’t met yet, and looked at a picture of my son. and that’s exactly how i got half of a sandwich down.
“and ive felt pleasure and ive felt pain and i know now that i can NEVER be the same”-Ben Harper
no. no more tears over those 4 experiences. not anymore. possibly some rage. but not giving away anymore tears to those 4 experiences. @ 12/14/16/22or23years old. will work through/process everything else when ready to let it go. or not too scared of them
on drive last night around town, no canopy roads this time, wasn’t running away, was running directly to all the roads of nightmares (in this town)
all alone in my car, passenger seat empty, Go Easy by Lucero in background, and i worked outvthrough/processed some significant events/experiences…all bad, mean, evil, pain….
12 yr old incident with stranger/14 yr old incident with “friends”/16 yr old incident in woods/ 22-23 yr old incident in home with men with guns….son sleeping upstairs alone in his bed.
i drove by all the roads and took note of the significant landmarks, thought about every single detail of all of those experiences. re-lived it all as i drove to road to road.
cognitive behavioral therapy (as much as it could be). Flooding as i covered/re-lived them all at once.
did it all by myself…just as i did when they were all actually occuring.
now i’m done. gotta know when to let it all go.
no more talking about it to anyone (unless someone asked out of concern or out of wanting to know the ugly parts that have contributed to making me, me). crazy. safe crazy. different kind of mind.
no more writitng about it. though i never wrote about it all.
no more references to any of it.
it is done. have to let it all go. just drive right past those roads (in this town)…and don’t even look back in the rearview mirror.
it is over.
but that is only a HOPE.
HOLD FAST.
5/23/12:breakfast and lunch. but all i REALLY WANT is a beer. LEARN SELF-CONTROL
5/22/12: breakfast&lunch-iced mocha. AND this is dinner. “don’t think twice it’s alright”. did eat some food this weekend. maybe ill eat better tommorrow.
